Here's to new beginnings

I've had a few blogs in the past and always began with good intentions but tended to fade into the mist. So I'm not sure how I expect this one to be different from my past endeavors. I'm certainly not trying to change the world with some incredible wisdom ... I just would like to change 'me' a little. One major thing I'm doing different is I'm going to keep this blog to myself for a while. I'm going to let it take a life of its own see where it goes before I announce to the entire world and all those who I know that I have a blog. I'm more comfortable with Anonymous strangers reading my ramblings anyway because they don't give me that angsty feeling or need for approval as say a family member or friend or parent may. So this one's for me. For now anyway.

I think another reason why my blog life was short-lived is because I would literally spent hours on a single entry partly due to having a disability that makes typing very difficult and partly because I'm obsessive and tend to be too wordy But now I have this handy-dandy voice dictation program that I'm using as I speak... literally. Which should really help cut down on my blogging time immensely.

So the point of the blog is to say something real so here goes...

The reason I decided to start this blog is because when I was in the restroom at work today washing my hands, I looked up into the mirror and I did not recognize the person looking back at me. I literally couldn't breathe. Okay breathing in general it's kind of hard for me but emotionally I was suffocating. Who was that woman in the reflection looking back at me? I hardly recognized myself.  I've always seen a disabled woman who's overweight and honestly the disabled part I'm okay with but the overweight part well, that's another issue altogether but previously it didn't bother me because it wasn't as bad as it is now. When I used to look in the mirror I would see someone pretty and kinda girly, someone who cared about how she looked. But I couldn't find pretty in that mirror. Not at all not anywhere not even for a second. I just don't know how I got to this place. I've been trying to think when "this" happened but I guess it was so gradual I didn't even notice. Not only am I heavier than I've ever been in my entire life, but what I saw in the mirror today was someone who simply didn't give a damn.

I got out of bed this morning about 30 minutes before I had to leave. (On a side note I take a shower about 4:30 in the morning before my husband goes to work because I need his help getting in and out of the shower and then I go back to bed fully dressed because I need his help to do that as well) I rushed to get ready I brushed my teeth I brushed my hair not styled it either, then gathered my things and left for work. No makeup or hair spray, no hair products, no perfume, no moisturizer, no jewelry, no pretty anywhere to be found! Gosh I've never admitted of any of this stuff before. And sadly this is becoming more and more routine for me on a regular basis. What happened to me?

I used to get my nails done on a regular basis I used to get my eyebrows done and my hair done on a regular basis I'd wear makeup every day! I'd go shopping now and then and wear nice clothes.This is how much I really don't care how I look... I don't even really pick my own clothes out anymore for the day. I ask my husband what's clean, then he goes and gets it and that's what I wear. True story. I'll wear some frumpy pull up stretch pants or pull on jeans because that's all I can manage on my own throughout the day, and some frumpy plane sure it's probably slightly worn or slightly stained and stretched out. And honestl it's so much more than how I looked in that mirror. It was the way it made me feel. I felt lost. I'm not being shallow I'm going on like I said before I've been disabled my whole life and overweight my entire adult life so I'm used to that but the degree that I have allowed and how horrible I felt about it that I need to change desperately.

I have an amazing husband he is truly the most amazing man I've ever known. He loves me no matter what I look like. Any woman would be incredibly lucky to be loved by someone as much as he loves me. Unconditionally. It doesn't really help my cause much though because he doesn't care what I wear or what I look like. Don't get me wrong I'm not blaming him nor my complaining as I know how lucky I am. He's amazing. I'm blaming me. Just because he doesn't care if I wear makeup or frumpy clothes or if I weigh 230 pounds at 5 foot tall. He just loves me and wants me to be with him. Which I am so grateful for and feel so blessed for that. This wonderful man of mine helps me in ways that most husbands never have to help their wives. And he never complains. When I say thank you he says you're my wife this is what I do I love you and if that means helping you do things then so be it. I never thought I would get emotional while I was writing this. But just feeling how much he loves me, makes the rest of what I, kind of stupid..

But the bottom line is I need to be happy with me. And I'm not not at all. Not just physically either. My station in life again nothing to do with my marriage. That's the one thing that does work. But I need to find my way back to me. Because that person that I saw in the mirror today I didn't know her. I don't think I want to know her. I don't think anyone would want to know her either. So that's a promise to myself I'll try to blog regularly and think about ways to improve myself. Whatever that looks like I'm not sure but I guess I'll figure it out. Here's to new beginnings