Long-winded

I guess I'm not very good at blogging and I'm certainly not good at figuring out exactly what I want to say and saying it in a straight to the point manner... see just like that :-)
anyway since my last blog I have been trying to work on the things that I used to like to do for myself that I haven't been doing these days.  So I got my hair highlighted and cut and got my nails done pink and white full set of course. my hair would look better on a daily basis if I actually made the time to do it! but sleep beautiful sleep is currently a stronger desire, more likely an escape actually than the desire to look better and more put together as put together as I could look.
However tomorrow Thursday is typically my day off, but I'm going at 8 AM to get my hair styled for a photo shoot for my work. Me and a handful of other people had been chosen to represent Wells Fargo employees in an advertisement/brochure kind of thing. So I'm kind excited about that. But nervous at the same time. Nervous that these pictures come out okay seeing how I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my whole life and now my image will be encapsulated for time and all eternity and every employee that works for Wells Fargo will be sharing it too. But I am looking forward to it I think is going to be fun.

I've been thinking about doing kind of a silly thing. Last year I tried to have weight-loss surgery but because of my disability the surgeon refused for health reasons to operate and he suggested that I go on the postoperative diet and see how that worked. Well I didn't do that at the time but I'm thinking about doing it now. I know this sounds kind of out there maybe even a little bit off but I want to kind of hypnotize myself and mentally have weight-loss surgery. I know that sounds Looney Tunes even as I type it, it sounds ridiculous. But I'm desperate and I need to do something. I told my husband and probably because he loves me he didn't say I was a nut case but he was concerned that eating such minimal amounts might make me sick. But people who have weight-loss surgery don't eat that much and they don't get sick. the surgery limits the size of the stomach so they would still need the same amount of nutrition as I would need. The biggest difference is their stomachs physically won't allow them to overheat where as mine is the size of a small child and can consume mass quantities. So I plan to get the protein and vitamins and the soft foods that someone who actually had weight-loss surgery would need.
Crazy? Probably. But like I said before I'm desperate. And as the title of this blog entry states. I'm as long-winded as ever. Too bad that doesn't burn calories.
Have fun

Important things

Why is it that it always takes a major tragedy or death, to put things into perspective? I occasionally tend to take important things in life for granted. A woman who i've known most of my life passed away last Saturday. It's been about 15 years since I've seen her. She's the mom of my childhood best friend. A woman whom I called mom, most people called mom, and was the biggest supporter of my husband and I when we first got together.

This week I found myself scrambling to try to get the day off so I could attend her memorial service. I'm going to take an extremely long lunch. It's the least I can do to pay my respects for a woman whom I deeply loved even though I did it from afar.

Important things like the people I care about should not be set to the back burner because life gets in the way. I felt terrible for not being able to say goodbye. So I'll say it here...
Carol A.K.A. Mom you were there for me when others weren't. You let me stay in your house when I needed a place to go. There were so many good times, & fun timesd  and so many good memories of you. You never judged, you never pushed or looked down upon me, you only cared and laughed and loved. I am sorry I let the years go by and let life get in the way. I pray i can learn from this life lesson & not let important things like friendships slip away. Rest in peace Carol Mahoney I love you.

Dead batteries & Heroines!

Today started pretty crappy. I actually made an attempt to do my hair and makeup today, but my stupid blow dryer wouldn't work! So having cried over that, just about completely ruining all the makeup I just put on, I collected myself and my things and zoomed out the door to go to work with about 30 minutes to get there. What I find when I got in my car... a dead battery! The first thing I always do in a crisis is call my husband. He was at work of course and helpless to help me. I'm on my cell phone using my Bluetooth while my husband is listening to my drama. After a few minutes of pleading with my unreasonably stubborn battery the clicking finally stopped and then I realized that it just wasn't going to start , and then that's when the tears started again. So now, I'm sitting in my car freaking out crying still on the phone with hubby when a neighbor lady whom I've never even spoken to before came to my rescue. She timidly approached my car maybe for fear that my head might do a 360 and then begin to vomit green streams like that girl in the Exorcist. She poked her head in my window and asked if I needed any help. Crying like a big baby I said yes that I was stuck and the battery was dead and I couldn't even get out of my stupid car because the mechanism that locks my wheelchair down safely while I'm driving runs on the battery, then I proceeded to tell her my life story about how I needed to get to work because of my job that I've had for eight years I am about to lose because of attendance issues. She then asks if I have AAA and I told her yes but I didn't have time to call them, because I just couldn't be late So then she asked me if I had jumper cables which I did but they were in our truck which was parked in front of me. So then she goes digging through the back of the messy truck to find these jumper cables and pulled her car in front of mine. Never having done this before, she calls someone for instructions. At the beginning of this chaos before the neighbor came over and just before I called my husband I called my friends hysterically begging for a a ride to work, (they have a wheelchair van also) which of course they were more than willing to help, but I needed to go ASAP so I continued to let my neighbor help me in hopes that I could get on the road before my friend could get to me. I was just so amazed that this lady whom I've never spoke to before who was obviously on her way out somewhere took the time out of her morning to help a  total stranger! Some man working nearby saw her struggling with these cables and offers to help. Clamping the cables onto her battery and then onto mine, my car roared to life. I thanked my neighbor a million times, listened to my husband give me words of encouragement and then called my friend to tell him that I didn't need a ride after all, unfortunately he was already about two blocks away. But he didn't mind and I'm so grateful for him for being so available on such short notice.

A BIG BIG thank you to my awesome neighbor... Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help me! The day would have been a total loss had it not been for you. I was 7 minutes late but as long as ... nothing else happens this month, I'll be okay. Thank you to my heroine in the brown Toyota SUV :-) I promise to pay it forward and help someone that is in need.

Here's to new beginnings

I've had a few blogs in the past and always began with good intentions but tended to fade into the mist. So I'm not sure how I expect this one to be different from my past endeavors. I'm certainly not trying to change the world with some incredible wisdom ... I just would like to change 'me' a little. One major thing I'm doing different is I'm going to keep this blog to myself for a while. I'm going to let it take a life of its own see where it goes before I announce to the entire world and all those who I know that I have a blog. I'm more comfortable with Anonymous strangers reading my ramblings anyway because they don't give me that angsty feeling or need for approval as say a family member or friend or parent may. So this one's for me. For now anyway.

I think another reason why my blog life was short-lived is because I would literally spent hours on a single entry partly due to having a disability that makes typing very difficult and partly because I'm obsessive and tend to be too wordy But now I have this handy-dandy voice dictation program that I'm using as I speak... literally. Which should really help cut down on my blogging time immensely.

So the point of the blog is to say something real so here goes...

The reason I decided to start this blog is because when I was in the restroom at work today washing my hands, I looked up into the mirror and I did not recognize the person looking back at me. I literally couldn't breathe. Okay breathing in general it's kind of hard for me but emotionally I was suffocating. Who was that woman in the reflection looking back at me? I hardly recognized myself.  I've always seen a disabled woman who's overweight and honestly the disabled part I'm okay with but the overweight part well, that's another issue altogether but previously it didn't bother me because it wasn't as bad as it is now. When I used to look in the mirror I would see someone pretty and kinda girly, someone who cared about how she looked. But I couldn't find pretty in that mirror. Not at all not anywhere not even for a second. I just don't know how I got to this place. I've been trying to think when "this" happened but I guess it was so gradual I didn't even notice. Not only am I heavier than I've ever been in my entire life, but what I saw in the mirror today was someone who simply didn't give a damn.

I got out of bed this morning about 30 minutes before I had to leave. (On a side note I take a shower about 4:30 in the morning before my husband goes to work because I need his help getting in and out of the shower and then I go back to bed fully dressed because I need his help to do that as well) I rushed to get ready I brushed my teeth I brushed my hair not styled it either, then gathered my things and left for work. No makeup or hair spray, no hair products, no perfume, no moisturizer, no jewelry, no pretty anywhere to be found! Gosh I've never admitted of any of this stuff before. And sadly this is becoming more and more routine for me on a regular basis. What happened to me?

I used to get my nails done on a regular basis I used to get my eyebrows done and my hair done on a regular basis I'd wear makeup every day! I'd go shopping now and then and wear nice clothes.This is how much I really don't care how I look... I don't even really pick my own clothes out anymore for the day. I ask my husband what's clean, then he goes and gets it and that's what I wear. True story. I'll wear some frumpy pull up stretch pants or pull on jeans because that's all I can manage on my own throughout the day, and some frumpy plane sure it's probably slightly worn or slightly stained and stretched out. And honestl it's so much more than how I looked in that mirror. It was the way it made me feel. I felt lost. I'm not being shallow I'm going on like I said before I've been disabled my whole life and overweight my entire adult life so I'm used to that but the degree that I have allowed and how horrible I felt about it that I need to change desperately.

I have an amazing husband he is truly the most amazing man I've ever known. He loves me no matter what I look like. Any woman would be incredibly lucky to be loved by someone as much as he loves me. Unconditionally. It doesn't really help my cause much though because he doesn't care what I wear or what I look like. Don't get me wrong I'm not blaming him nor my complaining as I know how lucky I am. He's amazing. I'm blaming me. Just because he doesn't care if I wear makeup or frumpy clothes or if I weigh 230 pounds at 5 foot tall. He just loves me and wants me to be with him. Which I am so grateful for and feel so blessed for that. This wonderful man of mine helps me in ways that most husbands never have to help their wives. And he never complains. When I say thank you he says you're my wife this is what I do I love you and if that means helping you do things then so be it. I never thought I would get emotional while I was writing this. But just feeling how much he loves me, makes the rest of what I, kind of stupid..

But the bottom line is I need to be happy with me. And I'm not not at all. Not just physically either. My station in life again nothing to do with my marriage. That's the one thing that does work. But I need to find my way back to me. Because that person that I saw in the mirror today I didn't know her. I don't think I want to know her. I don't think anyone would want to know her either. So that's a promise to myself I'll try to blog regularly and think about ways to improve myself. Whatever that looks like I'm not sure but I guess I'll figure it out. Here's to new beginnings